Where was God?
As the wife of an amazing husband who happens to be my spiritual leader, and Pastor I mentor women young and old as they are faced with their life challenges...
Hi: My name is Marcia Kirk and I am stepping out on faith and responding to a platform God has placed me in - I often sit in my room looking out the window as the cars race across the Altamont (it's an interesting view) and then up at the stars at night as the rush hours come to an end. As I look out I will share (I love star gazing.) With my inner voice I ask God. Why am I still here Lord,along with a list of hurting inquiries? First let me shoot from the hip.
I am a survivor of what many call horrid sexual and child abuse. Medically, I suffer from CPS, CFD and Fibromyalgia. In a nutshell, I am deal with chronic pain and a a hybrid of issues that prevent me from doing the things I loved dearly at one point. I will also share as a survivor of child molestation (repeatedly and horrid) along with a form of human-trafficking (yes, indeed) within my own home, and out of the home rape. It seems that because of my childhood beauty and trusting those that should have protected me. Gave me a life of trauma and pain to unravel. How do I forgive that? Will I forget? Will the nightmares ever end?
I masked and buried the abuse as a child (it's a pretty dark place) when your world is filled with so much pain. The doctors called it repressed trauma. In 2016, I called it, "I think I just lost my mind" as memories came flooding back, I I drowning is pain and dare I say self-affliction.
I will also share, the facts on how I grew up in a highly dysfunctional home. I witnessed domestic abuse, alcoholism (both parents) drugs (not the lightweight stuff) and was surrounded by a life I don't want to share yet. While, I have been exposed to things no child should or any human being should endure. I want you to know this- Today, 2019. I am still standing! And I thank God for this healing victory.
High-level about my parents:
Setting the stage...
My mother was an R&B Motown lover and gosh she was stunning. I recall when my mother walked into a room, her visual physical beauty would take any man's breath away. My step-father (well, as least I called him dad) was that charming, bad-boy country boy with the hard edges of rock and roll, a bulldog, and very charming demeanor (and rode hard) - the ladies love him. My biological father was no where to be found. I would learn later that he was incarcerated and then deported for killing a man during a jealous fit created by my mother (let's just say, she loved the chase and tease) and my bio- father did not. I would not see him again until I looked for him after my 18th birthday and a brief unpleasant encounter and then again in 2019 after I created my reconciliation list.
Nothing new - but there is hope:
My environment was not only dysfunctional, but it was dark and eclectic.
As, I set the stage of my life. I hear the echo's ringing of muffled tears try to escape but are somehow impeded by those learned behaviors form my childhood. Please, don't feel as if I am tugging on your emotions. Expert counselors called my outbursts "random "triggers" and "complex trauma" I call then demons from my past!
Dear loves, does this read familiar to you?
If so, please pause and repeat the following "I have not lost my minds!" (there will be no more gas lighting here) no shame anchoring us from rising above those murky waters.
I need you to understand. While I have spent decades lost. I found life in my faith in God, While I sat with an expert therapist (well two), and I read countless self-help.
My life did not change for the better until I gave it to Christ.
When I was forced to hit the pause button and invested in self-care via Biblical Counseling. Sweet Jesus, It was not easy and dare I say, it was difficult taking down those walls (I almost lest go). But, when that last brick was tossed out and turned the corner. Hallelujah!
We will keep digging deeper with each post.
In the interim. I created The Ruby Project Fdn for people alike, with the hope and prayer that you will obtain the tools, hope, recovery and even justice to live again!
In loving memory to my mother Noreen Rodriguez-Robinson.
While not perfect. She accepted Christ in 2006 and while the wounds took time to heal. when she passed in 2016 I was at peace knowing I will see her again.
Thank you Jesus!
Welcome The Ruby!
- Marcia Olivia